Lessons from the Past

In my internet travels, I happened upon a website that reminded me of a girl I knew in high school. When I was a sophomore, she was a freshman. She was on course to be one of the most popular girls in school. That summer she was hanging out with all the right people, going to all the right places, she tried out and made the JV cheerleading squad, she was beautiful and more than all else, she was the sweetest girl. It seemed everyone loved her.

Her name was Jennifer Iverson and 19 years ago this past October, she died after being hit by a car. Her death had a profound impact on my life. She spent a week in the hospital before her death. I remember that week being filled with rumors about her condition. No one, it seemed, had any real answers about how she was until we got word that she was gone. She was 13 years old. Her funeral was held at a large church in Windemere and it was packed. The number of lives that she had touched in her brief life was astounding. But today, I could find nothing about the accident except her obituary in the Orlando Sentinel archives. It wasn't a time of extreme media coverage and it was before the internet. Never the less, I was sad.

So I pulled out old pictures. I remember that I had one of her. I didn't find it. And I can't remember what she looked like anymore. As I was looking, I found pictures of my own children. My daughter is the same age Jenny was at her death. I felt a connection to Jenny's mom that I have never felt before. Every picture I get of Autumn from here on out is more than Jenny's mom has of her. Lord, let me understand the privilege that is mine as Autumn's mother. Let me never forget the reality that I am blessed.

I don't know what ever happened to Jenny's parents. I found her sister Krissy on Facebook. I wanted to send a friend request but I didn't. I know Krissy doesn't remember me. I never even went to Jenny's house. I met her parents for the first time after her death.

In my search, I found an article that Krissy contributed to in 1994. She said, " After my family and I lost my sister, I think it brought us closer to God. He allowed us to turn our mourning into joy. When you're here on Earth, we all have a lot of struggles and hard times, but they make us stronger. I look at it as a race; they only made it to the finish line before you did." A testament to their faith. I don't know where they are, but I am thinking about them and praying for them tonight. My reflection has made me appreciate my kids a little more today. Thank you God for Jenny, for her impact on my life and thank you for bringing her to mind today.

The "I am not a FAILURE" journal

It is time to blog again. It has been two months and I am not sure where the time has gone.

Alex has learned to play the guitar. As a matter of fact, he had his first performance last Sunday. He accompanied the children's choir at church on Sunday. We were so proud of him. It takes amazing courage to get up and do that for the first time. And he was nervous. I learned on Monday that our pianist found him kneeling at the altar before he performed. She knelt beside him and prayed with that precious child. What he was praying for, I may never know but he talked to God before he worshipped Him with his music.

I shared that with a friend and she told me I should write that down. She said moms need an "I'm not a failure" journal to write these things in. Then on the tough days, we should go back and read the good things. Isn't that the truth!

As a parent, we train, we teach, we correct, we scold, we praise, we punish. It's not a job where the rewards are instant and obvious. We go to bed each night and pray that SOMETHING we have said that day sank into "that thick head." We see eyes roll, hear clicking tongues, feel rejection, smell stinky attitudes and taste complete and utter defeat. If it was any other job, we probably would have quit by now.

But God is faithful and this is a job we have been called by Him to do. So every once in a while, we get to experience the little joys. And every once in a GREAT while, we see the fruits of our labor. We see the child doing what they've been trained to do. We see them following our teaching. We see that they have learned to correct themselves. We see that they scold themselves and we don't have to. We see that our praise has made them stronger and more confident. We see that our punishment has taught them to turn in a different direction. We see grateful eyes, hear loving tongues, feel love, smell sweet success, and taste the utter joy of being MOM or DAD. The rewards are not instant or obvious, but nothing worth doing is easy. And when we can write in our "I'm not a failure" journal, it has been a VERY good day. So maybe, with a lot of prayer and the faithfulness of the Lord, we will make it through this journey after all.

Elephants

Things are a little crazy as usual. Everything is coming together slowly for the new school year. AJ is a senior this year so we are busy making sure he is ready to finish out his career as a high school student. Autumn is in 8th grade this year. Just as one finishes high school, another shall begin. Alex is in 5th grade. Needless to say it is a year of lasts. Last year of high school, middle school and elementary school for my children. I didn't plan it that way but it is a neat transition. AND next year gets to be a year of firsts. But we're not there yet.

For this year I began a great Bible study with Autumn and AJ. We are going through Habitudes with the kids. If you haven't heard of them, look them up. It is a series of books on leadership by Tim Elmore. It is amazing in its simplicity and depth all at the same time. I am truly enjoying being on this journey with the kids this year.

Along with the Habitudes, I wanted to get some reading in with them this year. I chose a book called Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. It is a great read and I HIGHLY recommend it if you have or will have teenagers. It is all about rebelling against society's low expectations of the teen years. It is a challenge for teens, by teens, to not use these years as a vacation from responsibility. Very thought provoking. As a parent, I am learning that Jeff and I are guilty and we have fallen into the low expectation trap. We have let our kids get away with the minimum instead of expecting more. We are praying for the wisdom to change that.

But the blog title is Elephants and you have to be wondering why I chose that as a title. It has to do with the book we are reading. Elephants are still used in some countries to because of their immense strength and amazing intelligence. They even have days where they celebrate elephants and have a tug of war competition between one elephant and 100 men. The elephant wins every time. But to keep the elephant from running off, its handler ties him to a small post with just a piece of string tied to the right hind leg. That's it. So why doesn't the elephant just break free? Well when he was a baby elephant he was tied to a tree with a shackle fastened to the right hind leg. That shackle cut into his leg every time he tried to pull away. After a period of time, he stopped struggling and the handler replaced the tree and shackle with a post and string.

The writers, Alex and Brett, used that as an example of teens being hampered by the low expectations of society. They are immensely strong and extremely intelligent but they are shackled to the teen stereotype and don't even know it.

As a parent it made me think about the mother elephant watching her baby being taken to the same tree she was shackled to as a baby. I can imagine her calling to the baby, "Now don't struggle too much because that thing will cut into your leg. Just stay as still as possible. I made the mistake of struggling and I got hurt. Don't you do that. Just listen to me and I can save you the pain."

The baby elephant, who was probably listening to another baby elephant or thinking about the amazing dumbo hat he wanted from Abertrunkie and Spit, didn't hear what his mother said. When he was shackled to the tree, he pulled and pulled and pulled trying to free himself. And eventually the shackle cut into his leg and he learned that if he didn't pull, the pain didn't come.

So he went home to Mom elephant and complained about how the mean old handler hurt him. Mom shakes her head and trumpets how if he had just listened to her, he wouldn't have been in such pain. And for the life of the baby elephant, he can't remember Mom saying not to pull.

Now Dad elephant steps in to remind Mom that sometimes, Baby has to learn for himself. And then he stomps on Baby to make him tougher and Baby laughs and comes back for more. Mom elephant winces at the rough play and turns to go eat her hay frustrated that her mom never told her how hard it was to raise kids.

My point... we all have an important role to play in the lives of our baby elephants. Mom it's natural to try to keep our kids from repeating our mistakes, but they will either repeat yours or make their own. It's part of the process. If we protect them from everything, they will fail when it is time to launch. And it's natural for dads to play the tougher role. God designed us to nurture and love. I think He designed dads to make kids tough so they can face what's out there.

Play your role diligently and with love. Make it a great week!