Consumed

London.  Mid October, 1940.  Ruby laid on a cot in her family's air raid shelter.  A soft rumbling thunder rolled through the night and jolted her from her light slumber.  The flickering hue of the lantern bounced eerily off the walls and onto the face of her worried mother.  Cool dampness filled the air of the cramped quarters.  She shivered slightly but not from the cold.

The rumble grew steadily louder and with it, her fear.  Even at her young age, she understood what was coming.  The scene had replayed itself out night after night for weeks.  Soon the sound of plane engines would be overhead and she would huddle and pray that their home would not be tonight's target.  Neighbors had already sustained direct hits.  But a destroyed home was not her greatest fear.  A few blocks away, an entire family had been killed when a bomb hit their garden shelter.

She rose quietly and padded softly to her father's arms.  He smoothed her curls and kissed her forehead.  He reached out to her mother and pulled her into his arms.  The three of them embraced.

"Do not be afraid, my loves.  I am with you."
"But the planes, father, the planes are coming," Ruby said.
"I hear them.  But I have built a sturdy shelter to keep you safe."
"What if the soldiers come?" Ruby replied.
"I am ready to fight for you."
"Father, I am frightened!"
"I know.  But trust me child, I will not leave you.  You are safe in my arms."

Do you ever feel like Ruby?  I know this is exactly how I have felt over the past few days.  Completely consumed by the circumstances that are surrounding me.  Fear of what's to come.  Anxiety of what I'll face.  Trembling at things that are completely outside my control.

My self esteem has taken a hit.  Old hurts have been brought to the surface.  My confidence is shaken and I can't see the next step.  Fear threatens to take over as I hear the rumbling of distant thunder. If it does, my thoughts won't be my own.

What will I do?  Am I safe where I am?  Am I ready to face what is to come?  I know I can't stop it.  It's like I am Ruby, sitting in that shelter and although I have been told I am secure, there is a little bit of doubt.  The bombs are beginning to drop far off in the distance.  As the explosions grow louder and closer, my anxiety begins to rise.  Every bit of my being wants to flee.  It takes every ounce of strength and every bit of will to remain where I am and to trust that I am far safer here than trying to outrun the bombardment.

Today, I was blessed to hear the voice of God.  I did not recognize it at first.  It was a phrase that played over and over in my head.  "It's done.  It's done.  It's done."  It took a good long while for me to realize what was happening.  Then I thought, "Wait, Lord?  Is that you?"  And there it was.  The picture of Jesus on the Cross.  "It is finished."  Comprehension dawned.  "It's done."

See God already built the shelter for me.  I walked into it the day I accepted Jesus as my Savior.  I am His.  "Sin has lost its power.  Death has lost its sting!"  Nothing can separate me from God. My Pastor put it to us this way tonight:  When God is not present there is chaos, but when He shows up, EVERYTHING must submit.  It's like God is the eye of the storm.  So even when we feel like we are in the midst of life's hurricane we can find the ultimate peace in His arms.  In other words...

"Do not be afraid, my loves.  I am with you," says the Lord.
"But father, the storms are coming."
"I hear them.  But I have built a sturdy shelter to keep you safe."
"What if evil comes?"
"I am ready to fight for you."
"Father, I am frightened!"
"I know.  But trust Me child, I will not leave you.  You are safe in My arms."

I believe that Ruby could rest in the knowledge that her father was there.  Tonight, I will rest in knowledge that my heavenly Father will stay right by my side.  

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38 - 39

Knowing Jesus

This weekend I went to Tampa to attend the Women of Faith conference.  It was a weekend filled with worship and Biblical wisdom.  I learned so much about myself.

We also had some frustrating and even slightly scary moments.  It's funny how the enemy will try to make you angry and he often succeeds.  But then God imparts just a tiny nugget of truth in you and all your frustration disappears.  I love that about God.  Satan works hard to spew lies into our lives and a little bit of truth makes it all go away.  Why?  Because my God is bigger!  He's stronger!  He's mightier!  And His voice grows louder in me everyday.  Praise God for that.

During devotion time I was trying to explain things I learned to the kids.  One of the things I was trying to explain was KNOWING Jesus.  This is how I explained it.  I hope this little analogy helps you too.

This summer we traveled to Illinois and met my niece's new husband Devon.  Jeff and AJ were not there so they don't know him at all. This is what it's like for the person who doesn't know Jesus at all.

Autumn, Alex and I met Devon and spent a little time with him over that week.  So we know him.  We know what he looks like.  But if I saw him in Publix here in Apopka, I probably would not recognize him unless he was with my niece.  First, it's out of context.  I might expect to see him in Illinois but not in Florida.  Also, I haven't seen him in a few months so I might not know his face immediately.  I would need confirmation from someone else to ensure that this was in fact Devon.  I liken this to those who go to church on Sunday.  Jesus is known in the church building or in the context of a Sunday sermon.  Outside of that though, the person may need confirmation.

Now if I saw my friend Jenni Pavon walking in Publix, it would only take a moment to realize that it was her.  While she lives in North Carolina now, I would still recognize her face and her voice almost immediately.  I have spent time with her and can, even now, hear her voice in my head.  This is the involved Christian.  The one who spends quite a bit of time at church and in fellowship with others.  This is the person who knows the lingo and recognizes what is expected because they've been "in the church" for a long period of time.

But if my husband was in Publix, or in a crowd of 10,000 people, I could pick him out almost immediately.  I know the way he looks, the way he stands, the way he moves, the way he speaks.  I even know the way he coughs and sneezes.  It is the same with my children.  I've known these people intimately for years.  I've spent almost everyday with them.  I've spent countless hours in conversations, I've spent time getting to know their likes and dislikes.

This is the relationship I strive to have with Jesus.  I want to know Him in a crowd of 10,000.  I want to know the way He looks, stands, moves and speaks. I want to know Him so intimately that when He calls my name, I immediately respond with, "Yes, Lord?"  The only way to do that is to spend countless hours speaking to Him.  Getting to know His likes and dislikes and learning about His history.  All of this is in the Word of God.  See when I was saved, I became His.  Now I want to recognize Him at any moment of my life.   To do that, I must spend time in prayer and in fellowship with Him.  To read and study His Word and apply it to my life.  To imitate His ways and show others His love.

"I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me, just as my Father knows me and I know the Father.  So I sacrifice my life for the sheep.  I have other sheep too, that are not in this sheepfold.  I must bring them also.  They will listen to my voice, and there will be one flock with one shepherd."     John 10: 14 - 16 (NLT)

PS:  If you haven't already, click on the Quips and Quotes blog link on the side.  It will take you to some hilarious quotes said by my family and friends.  Most are from Autumn but I can't help that.  She just says what comes up and pays the price for it here.  LOL.

The More I Seek You

The more I seek You

The more I find You

The more I find You

The more I love You

I want to sit at Your feet

Drink from the cup in Your hand

Lay back against You and Breathe

Hear Your heartbeat

This love is so deep

It's more than I can stand

I melt in Your peace

It's overwhelming

The More I Seek You by Kari Jobe

I love this song. It is such a beautiful picture of the intimacy we have with God. And the words resonate true with me.

"The more I seek You, the more I find you."

This statement is so accurate. Just begin to study His Word, seek His will, pray for His peace and He is there! For me, it is similar to when I see or hear a new word that I swear I have never seen or heard before. I will go look it up in the dictionary or more than likely, I will just Google it. The definition pops up and I feel smarter for knowing how to use my new found friend. In the next week, I will hear that word ten times. Before I noticed the word, I would swear I had NEVER heard it in my 30 PLUS years on this planet, but in a week, I will hear it ten times. Does that mean the word is new? Did it just come out? Is it suddenly a popular word? No. It was there all along. I am just aware of it so I recognize it when I hear it. My friends, the same is true for God's voice. When you seek it, you will hear it. And when you hear it, you will know what it means.

"The more I find You, the more I love You."

How can you not? The love that was poured out has no comparison. The only thing that comes even slightly close is falling in love. Finding that person who you love a little more each time you learn something new. Seeing their face and feeling that crazy flutter in your heart. I can not fathom what the flutter will be like when I see my Jesus with my own eyes. What will happen to me when I gaze into those eyes and I see those scarred hands and feet? I tear up just thinking about it. It feels like I have been separated from the love of my life and my heart just aches to fall into His arms.

"I want to sit at Your feet,"

This is me being the learner. Like when we were in school and sat at the teacher's feet while she read us a story. But it's better because it's not a second hand reader. It is the Almighty who has experienced and seen everything so the stories are from the ultimate eyewitness. And just read a little of His word to see that He is the Master storyteller. What will we learn?

"Drink from the cup in Your hand"

In a social gathering we each have our own cup. We write our names on them so they don't get mixed up. When I was a child, my mother's drink was my drink. I know it made her crazy because she would come back to drink it and it would be gone. Now, my drink is my children's drink and I see why it made her nuts. But the point is, with Jesus, there is one cup. I get to accept it from Jesus and drink from it. There is a familiarity there. It is family.

"Lay back against You and Breathe

Hear Your heartbeat"

This is the line that gets me. When I was little, I loved to curl up on my dad's lap. Today, I can curl into my husband's arms. It is safe. It is secure. It is a comfort when I am sad or stressed. It is pure love. But these arms... wow... these arms are infinitely bigger, infinitely stronger, infinitely warmer. I can't even describe it. I once wrapped a child in a warm blanket to try to illustrate the comfort we will feel when we get to do this. It's the only thing I can think of but it seems so pale in comparison. The world will melt away. The troubles will be gone. No pain, no fear, no sadness. Just the perfect rhythm of Jesus' heart. A beating heart to prove that He once lived, that He still lives, that He will always live.

"This love is so deep

It's more than I can stand

I melt in Your peace

It's overwhelming"

Amen

Rainbows

"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." - Genesis 9: 13 - 16

Today is AJ's 20th birthday. Isn't it great to have a day where you know EXACTLY what you were doing at each hour of the day? It's easy when you know you spent most of it (14 hours to be exact) in a hospital waiting to meet your son. The rest of it was spent taking in every inch of him and learning how to be his mom. I was oh so young, but oh so determined. It is AJ's special day and it is my 20th anniversary in this job called motherhood. Thank You God for entrusting him to me. I am forever humbled by that blessing.

Today is one of those days that begin very early and promises to end very late. But it looks to be a good day. Here is why.

Let me set this up by telling you how much I hate getting up in the morning. It's not that I like to get up early, or late, I just plain detest the first-thing-in-the-morning feeling. I have never in my life, save maybe a trip to Disney, Christmas as a child or my wedding day, jumped out of bed, ready and excited to begin the day. I am just not wired that way. I have learned, however, that I am at my most productive when I am out of bed before 9 am. But 8:59 qualifies just fine for me.

Now you should understand the sarcasm when I tell you that I got up and drove Jeff to work this morning. He has to be to work by 7 am. We also had to go make a deposit at the bank, which is out at Disney. So, we left the house BEFORE 5:30 am.

Additionally, it was raining this morning. It began as a light sprinkle but varied between that and a steady downpour the whole way to work. I couldn't help but covet the people who were turning over in their beds, hearing the sound of rain on their roofs, and smiling as they drifted off to sleep again. That was how my morning would have started. Instead, I was holding a cup of coffee, trying to string a coherent sentence together whilst working up the strength to actually get the cup to my mouth. That really is no small task for this girl at 5:45.

As I was driving home an hour and a half later, I noticed a small streak in the sky. As I rounded the ramp to get on the turnpike, I realized it was the beginning of a rainbow. It steadily grew brighter and larger. I looked to the right a bit and saw the other half. The arch was obscured by clouds but you could see both legs. I was immediately struck by its beauty and reminded that God's promise is full and never obscured. What a positive thought to begin the day.

The rainbow grew even larger and more brilliant as I drove and I was completely focused on God's glorious presence right there in the car. Not only did I have no anxiety, I was in the complete absence of fear. Such amazing thoughts and beautiful images filled my head. I began to praise God right then and there. It is only by Him that I did not crash because I can tell you, I was not focused on the road. I know that because suddenly I turned off the turnpike onto the 408 and was headed back to Orlando. Yep, I completely turned in the wrong direction. You know what I did as I turned around? I laughed. I had such joy that not even extra tolls and a delay in getting back to my bed could bring me down.

When I returned to the turnpike, the rainbow was gone. I could no longer see it and it was raining again. Suddenly, I was so thankful that God's promise is not so fleeting. He is steadfast in His love and grace. And my heart was full. Praise God.

Finally, my scientific brain kicked in and I thought about how the clouds were covering the sun and that was why the rainbow was no longer visible. Which brought about another wonderful thought. How cool is it that it is the sun that brings the rainbow just like it is the Son that brings the promise? The promise of life eternal. The promise of freedom from pain, and fear, and suffering. Then the radio gave a scripture that fit so perfectly, it felt like my personal gift from God.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith." Hebrews 12:2

Amen.

Have a day that is filled with His promise and His blessings.

The Truth

WOW what a whirlwind the last few weeks have been. The only way to describe it is to say... School Has Begun! But on to the post.

The truth is that I am an anxiety sufferer.

The truth is that I am afraid most of the time.

The truth is that I am not alone.

The truth is that I serve a sovereign God.

The truth is that my God is bigger than my anxiety.

The truth is that my God can heal me.

The truth is that my God can choose not to.

The truth is that I will praise Him anyway.

This month my medication was changed and I was given samples. At my recheck I was supposed to pick up a script, but I haven't been in yet. I thought I had one more week covered with samples but I was wrong. So, I was in a bind because I needed the medication called into a pharmacy.

Problem one :

Now if you take medication on a regular basis, you know the drill. Call. Leave message. Wait. Normally the whole process takes about 48 hours. I was in panic mode because 48 hours without my meds is a bad thing. The side effects are minimal when you are on the meds but without them they are BAD. You can't go cold turkey. I can't begin to describe the feeling but imagine that skin crawling feeling you get when someone scratches their nails on the chalk board ALL THE TIME.

Problem two

I began having pain from a broken tooth in the back. The tooth must be extracted but the gum tissue around it has become infected. The oral surgeon would see me pronto. The problem isn't the tooth as much as it is my "dentaphobia." I am that ridiculous person who need valium to sit in the chair to get her teeth cleaned. I am a wimp. My other great fear is spiders. If I had to choose between the two, I would have to know which one would be over the soonest.

No anxiety meds., trip to the dentist. Not a great combination. I began to ask for prayers.

Problem Solved

It was the first time I had admitted, outside my closest friends and family, that I was one of "those people" who suffered from anxiety. I have had this stigma in my own mind for a really long time. But I needed prayer and I needed it right then. So I hit the send button.

The response was positive and powerful. First, the call came from the dr that they were calling in the script. I got that call almost an hour after the office closed for the day. Second, the words of prayer and encouragement lifted me up in a way that I can only describe as "the peace that surpasses all understanding." Third, not only was the oral surgeon painless, it was quick and I was out of the chair in no time. Even the xrays were easy. Plus while I was waiting, Z88 was on in the lobby. What did I hear from a guest on the Ellis and Tyler show? "God will never leave you, nor forsake you." The story had nothing to do with anxiety but the words were there just before I faced the dreaded chair. And finally, today the kind words have continued to pour in.

I am inspired to share more about my anxiety journey. I want to paint a picture showing what it is like to be a Christian, a mother and a wife suffering from anxiety. If you have it, I hope you will share with me what you are going through. I pray that you will let me know your needs so that I can pray for you. God is good. All the time!

Fran

Life as I knew it...

To say my childhood was "normal" would be quite the understatement. I was born here in Florida but my dad was transferred to New Jersey when I was about 2. We lived there for a few years and then in New York until we moved back to Florida when I was 5. We moved quite often until my parents bought a house in Orlando when I was in the 4th grade. That is where we stayed until I finished high school.

I was the youngest of 5 children but there are 11 years separating my sister and me. Consequently, except for the times when a sibling moved home for a time, I was raised as an only child. As the youngest, I was in a few weddings. My sister married when I was about 12 and my brother married when I was 14.

My brother was married not quite two years when they found out his wife had cancer. I remember that they moved home quickly after her diagnosis. She was close to my mom and wanted to be near my parents. She had a sweet temperament and a loving spirit. I don't think I know all the details but here is what I remember.

She came home and was severely depressed because she knew her diagnosis was terminal. She did not eat and lost weight quickly. I remember that we found out about her cancer in October. By the beginning of December, she was at the end. I remember the tense atmosphere and the hospice nurse. I remember the day my dad came to get me at school because she had passed away.

Just the other day, I learned that another dear woman passed away. Once again, her illness came quick and took her fast. It always amazes me how quickly memories come back when faced with a similar situation. They are not visual memories as much as they are emotional ones. I remember how I felt.

The one that has lingered has been fear. Fear that death could occur so quickly. It is not a fear of death. A quick, painless death does not scare me. It is the knowledge of impending death that causes angst. It is the fear that I won't have time to accept it. Or rather, that my family won't have time to accept it. It is a fear that I will still be in the anger stage or depressed stage when I can no longer communicate my love for them. It is a fear that my last words may not be loving. Of course, that fear comes with anything. I avoid it by trying so hard to watch my words. Sometimes I fail and I am anxious until I see that person again. So I guess the fear is that someone may die or I may die and those I love won't know how much I love them.

Today, I will strive to let my words and especially my actions speak love. I will remember that the words of Jesus and especially his actions spoke the ultimate love for me and for you!

Day Five

Decided to post this early as I won’t have another chance to post until we get to the hotel on Tuesday Night. Today has been really laid back. YAY. Cleaned up from the party early, did some laundry and had worship time with the kids. Chris and Cheri left to catch a plane home and mom and dad are spending the day with my dad’s cousin in St. Louis. Tonight’s plans include GAMES. That makes me excited.

Tomorrow we head to St. Louis for the day for a mixture of fun and an educational field trip. I want the kids to see the Old Courthouse as we will be studying American History next year. We will also hang at the zoo for a little while and maybe go to a museum. Then we have to get back to pack up for home.

I won’t post again for awhile but will hopefully have some fun stories about tonight or tomorrow when I do. What follows is my thoughts on what we studied today during worship time.

We were in Hosea. I don’t remember the verses but it is the last few chapters where it talks about God’s love of Israel, Israel’s sin, God’s anger with Israel and, finally, repentance and blessing. I was so interested to see the parallels of Israel and our own country today. Let me take a moment to discuss. I don’t have my Bible with me at the library so this might be a little disjointed.

God loved Israel so much. He brought them out of Egypt, cared for them and did not want them to suffer under oppressive rule. Each time God was needed the people turned back to God and each time the chaos subsided, they turned away again.

Doesn’t that sound familiar? Think about the tyranny suffered by this country that incited the people to revolt against England. Against insurmountable odds, that revolt was successful. Why? Because the people really had NOTHING to lose.

Over 200 years have passed. We are comfortable. Once again we are beginning to see our rights slowly slip away. My dad told that they are trying to pass a law, or maybe they already passed it, that says our soldiers can’t have a cross on their gravestone at federal cemeteries. Interesting since some of them are dying to protect that freedom. That incites me. In Texas, they are not allowed to use the words prayer, amen, or say bow your head during a graduation ceremony. That incites me.

Why aren’t more people upset? They are. But they have EVERYTHING to lose. Our ancestors were not thinking about their generation when they fought the revolution, they were thinking about the future. What about us? What are we thinking about?

I’m not talking “revolution” but we can not be silent and let these things happen. We have to speak out. We have to keep our eyes open and see what is happening all around us. We have to read the Constitution and learn what it really means.

I believe that God loves us. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Risen Savior and that he sits at the right hand of the Father. I believe that we have the right to proclaim that and we should not be ashamed. Turn back to God and don’t turn away once the chaos subsides. God has allowed us to come this far as a nation but I believe that he will allow us to fall if we don’t stay focused on him. Repentance will yield blessing. It was promised to Israel and it is still true today. God Bless.

Love to all.